reflection on wedding/marriage

its now mid-sept. another 1.5 months to the wedding. some people have been asking me whether i'm feeling nervous anticipating the big day. i tell them 'no, not really.' maybe i will get the jitters when i'm about the walk down the aisle. but so far, it hasn't been something i thought about. which is good i think :)

planning an event for 400 guests is no small feat. seeing that ours is going to be a relatively simple affair, i don't even want to imagine what it would be like if i had wanted to plan it meticulously down to every single last detail. *shudder* we are really grateful for our parents, who have been very supportive and made the planning process much less painful for us. we also don't know what we'd do without a few friends have been and will continue to be instrumental in helping us to have the wedding go on as smoothly as possible.

there are still many details to attend to, but by and large, things are falling into place and all the major considerations have been sorted out. as with all other brides, i had an idea of what the day should include and how it would look like. i was careful not to be specific in my ideas prior to meeting sherm as i didn't think it was realistic to plan a wedding without having any idea who the groom was! but nonetheless, though i thought of myself as being a simple girl, i find myself falling for convention and desiring to have what everyone else had. the idea of what a wedding looked like was already rooted in my mind, sometimes so subtly that it was hidden even to me. until it surfaced, usually in the exchanges i had with sherm.

people tell me that in the months/weeks/day leading up to the wedding, these are the most stressful times for the couple and conflicts inevitably ensue. i naively thought we would not get caught in this similar situation. lo and behold, to date, we have already had quite a few major arguments (or discussions, to put it another way) regarding how things should be done, and what was important to us. perhaps i was the only one who did not see it coming. those who have gone down this path before probably could see it happening, plain as day.

as expected, the major disagreements came in when i wanted to have things done a certain way (as how i envisioned it would be), and he had a different idea altogether. however in our case, the difference is, him having a different idea was not due to his preferences but of wanting to hold as closely as possible the values we share in our life together. he wants the wedding to reflect what we have committed to, in our faith and our understanding of a kingdomic marriage.

i struggled, really struggled. sometimes more than others. tears shed, as my own ideals/fantasies crushed. the selfish part of me says 'why can't i have it this way. it's my day too, and it only happens once.' but i know, much as i hate to acknowledge it, this is not what it should be about. each time when a practical reality brings about that struggle again, i have to confront that desire of mine with the desire of wanting to truly embody the kingdom, in our wedding and in our marriage.

he reminds me that our vows are the only thing that will last long after the day has passed. and that is really, all that truly matters. perhaps the photos will help preserve some of the moments, but nothing else remains. the dress will be tucked away in the closet somewhere, the decorations taken down, and the album will eventually gather dust in a drawer after the initial thrill of showing it to everyone has died down. so, what we have to hold on to, is the vows to keep us going in the rough times, and the knowledge that God brought us together for a reason.

the strength of the marriage is what we always need to keep in mind, and the growth of the 2 who are 1, into a life that is intimately shared yet not bound together so tightly unto our own destructions. our marriage must give room for us to pursue our own individual growth, being able to have passions and interests of our own while constantly being a source of support and encouragement to the other. and to always be careful to not think of this marriage as an end unto itself. but that it has a purpose - so that together, we will be of better service to god's kingdom and our fellow brothers and sisters than we could ever be if we were to be alone.

making a decision to enter into marriage is not yet in itself an accomplishment. sometimes i find myself wondering, why do people congratulate others when they say they are about to be married. of course, we are glad that our friend or someone we love has found a partner to spend their lives with. but cultivating a godly and healthy marriage is anything but easy. a marriage is not to make us happy, but holy. and i have just only begun to experience of 'growing pains' in marriage. if not for the knowledge that god works to make us better people through our spouse and our relationship, it would be so easy to give up. i think this is the hardest thing i've done by far.

speaking of accomplishments, i heard this from someone deeply respected (my own paraphrase): 'usually, people celebrate when they have achieved something significant, or at the END of a process/ journey/ project or whatever it may be, but it's strange that we celebrate the marriage when it has just only started!' it is so very true, although i didn't quite see it that way before. think of it this way. as the marriage matures, there is more cause for celebration and joy. and the more milestones we make through in the marriage, the bigger the celebration. quite a neat concept i think ;)

so at the end of this reflection, i pray and hope that we will make it through many milestones together, and have a reason to celebrate in 10, 20, 30 (and more?) years to come.