i've been thinking about how the year 2006 has been. it seems to have passed in a flurry for me. i'm flipping thru my desk calendar now, trying to see if it wud help jog my memory. haha.

studies wise - i've completed 2 semesters of masters this yr (and 1 in the 2nd half of 2005), with the last 1(hopefully) coming up right after xmas. it's been a very rewarding and interesting learning experience for me, and i've been enjoying the classes, the things i'm learning, and even the exams! hahaa - everything, except the slogging for assignments! i just don't quite like the feeling of having assignment deadlines hanging over your head, and having to think about doing assignments ALL THE TIME! but otherwise, it's all good :)

in my final semester (the upcoming one), i have to write a project paper of about 20k words, and i'm going to be researching in the area of pragmatics. i still have no idea what the topic is going to be, and i have to figure it out very SOON! hopefully i can finish writing it by apr/may. i have 1 more subject to take, and i'm hoping to get into the same class as irene! hehe...so we can be classmates, and housemates! it'll be fun...

work-wise - i have just been doing what i've always been doing, i can't say that it has been very different this yr. but i have seen God's providence and favor at work this year. i got a good bonus (jan06)+ an unexpected gratuity payment (sept06)- which came in very handy when i had to pay my tuition fees- all i can say is, God is good! i also got a good increment (by KDU's standards) to make up for not getting any last year. my boss has also been supportive when i've had to take time off to study and complete my assignments. so while it hasn't been a very 'exciting' year at work, i'm very thankful for a job that allows me time to study, and a good working environment overall.

this year has also been very fulfilling because of the relationships in my life. family wise - i feel that my relationship with my siblings, esp my bro, eric has never been better. i'm connecting more with him, my 2 sisters and even with ezra. relationship with my parents? - something i need to work on next year perhaps. friendships with various ones in my life has also been very good, and i'm enjoying being + connecting with all the different ones who each have a unique place in my heart. all the people close to me, from housemates, school/classmates, friends back home in kch, friends in church etc have made this journey full of life, color and meaning.

i cannot NOT mention sherman here, obviously. having him come into my life (an early birthday present) was totally unexpected, because i had told God i was going to stop looking for a relationship. and barely 2 months after i made that commitment, sherman popped up. the speed of things have taken many people by surprise, (even myself initially) but i'm assured that God is leading us into this next phase of our lives. being in this relationship, hopefully, will allow me to discover more of and embrace who i am - actually, the journey has already begun! i won't elaborate too much here since this post isn't supposed to be about this subject exclusively ;)

i've also graduated from the Way of the Spirit course under KLTI, after finishing all 4 modules. thank you, pat and paulina! it took more than 2 years, but i've not regretted the time spent and what i've experienced and learnt thru the consistent reading of the Bible. it has been truly refreshing and rewarding, opening my eyes to see and hear from God anew. to be able to share insights and struggles with my 'classmates' made the classes all the more enjoyable. i also tried out teaching a few classes - something that i never would have thought possible just 1 or 2 yrs ago, but God has proved me wrong. haha...

this year my involvement in church has been pretty much the same as the previous year, i find fulfillment in mostly doing the 'background' stuff. i'm just glad to be able to be part of what God is doing in CLGC esp with the community, i.e. free tuition for the bestari kids. now that the year is coming to a close, it also signals a shift in gear for me. starting jan, i wil not be as involved in church, to allow me time to travel with sherman for ministry and to spend time in seremban.

next year - the focus wil be on finishing my studies, and then preparing for marriage (+wedding) thereafter. those 2 major things wil take up most of my time apart from work and everything else. so will have to see what God has in store for me after that. hehe. so that's it for my year end post!

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2007!

chat with dad

i'm actually having a chat with my dad on MSN (as i'm starting this post)! haha...wonders never cease!

i was chatting with my younger sis, elise, earlier on. she had supposedly gone out for lunch but i noticed her status stil said 'online' so i decided to bug her again. and the reply came "No, this is your dad!!" :D

after my talk with mum last sat (on the phone), i've been wanting to call dad to talk to him, but now an opportunity presents itself for me to chat with him. as i talk to him, i can feel the 'nervousness' in anticipating his replies. u see, he's a tad slow when it comes to typing...hahaha...

so far, i've been emailing and talking to mum about sherman, and most of the time dad gets the news from her apart from the one conversation i had with him earlier. so it feels good to be able to tell him things directly and to hear from him too. i think if dad doesn't mind, i'd like to chat with him more often...especially about things that matter...big decisions i'm making and all that...i'd really like that...

i told him that as my father, he has a special place in my heart and that what HE thinks is very important to me, so when it comes to the man i'm going to marry, obviously i want to hear what my dad has to say...i told him that what he thinks of sherman is very important to me - and he said "I can only give you the answer after I have looked him in the eyes and asked him a few questions...So you have to wait." how's that for an answer? haha...

now that i think of it, it feels a bit strange that we have made the decisions and all before i have had this chance to talk to my dad - but in a way, i'm used to that because dad's policy is to let us make our own decisions. so it's not in my 'system' to actually discuss with my dad when i do something. not that i totally disregard him when i make decisions but i don't consciously seek him out to actually ask him whether i shud do this or that, because he will tell me - it's up to you, and it's ur decision to make. however, i'm thinking, perhaps that should change in future...because i WANT him to be part of the decision-making process too...

it was a good conversation just now - because i got to tell him about sherman, and some details on how we started our relationship and things like that. and i asked dad how he felt about it. his response was that he was a bit surprised at first, but that God is full of surprises and that he doesn't sense any red flags so far. that was very reassuring, and i feel very glad that i'm able to connect to my dad like this.

i had asked him also whether he'd be grilling sherman when he meets him and his answer? "Your Mum will put him through the toughest interview he will ever get when he gets here...Be warned!" my dad has a sense of humor, that's for sure ;)

he also gave me a few bits of advice, as what all fathers do - one being "It takes everything you have got to keep a relationship going the right way and it's true for everybody. Even a man of God needs to keep this in mind." i shall ask sherman to read this post. hahaa...

a little encounter

sherm has left for myanmar. i was down in seremban to spend time with him before he left, and yesterday morning went to the airport together with his parents to send him off. he says it's good to have time apart - so we can both grow as individuals and not forget that although we are a couple, we are also two separate individuals with very different personalities and needs. i suspect he's right. hehe.

being in his family is a new experience for me, but it has been a good one. i really thank God for his parents, who are so accepting and loving towards me. they treat me like their daughter already, and i have never once felt like i had to do anything to be part of their family.

yesterday after dropping sherm off, we drove back to seremban bus terminal where i boarded the bus back. sherm's dad got down from the car, accompanied me and insisted on buying my ticket, then saw to it that i boarded the bus safely. actually, i never expected him to do it, because i'm so used to doing things for myself. my dad's method is to leave us to do it and basically, be independent, so i've gotten used to taking of myself so to speak. i discovered sherm's dad's little act of love made me feel very loved.

after i got back to PJ, i received an sms from sherm's mum asking if i was ok. again, i didn't expect to get that sms because in my family it's not something we normally do. haha. so it was a pleasant 'surprise'. later i was chatting with her on MSN and i told her that i feel very loved by them. she in turn told me that they already love me like how they love sheree (sherm's older sister). that meant a lot, and i'm very thankful for them.

i met a lady on the bus back to KL. she came to sit next to me and started speaking to me. she asked me to help her - and i was a bit wary at first. nowadays, u never know what characters u wil meet out there. she told me that her husband passed away last sun of cancer, and on her way to seremban, she lost her wallet. she suspects it was pick-pocketed. anyway, she had no money and the bus ticket also was bought by a kind samaritan.

i agreed to help her, so that she cud go to KL and stil have enuf to make her way home. she has a 9 yr old son, but no one that she can really depend on and she hasn't been working. she got teary whenever she mentioned about her husband, and all i cud do was just to be a comforting presence, listen to her and hold her hand. when i gave her the money, she said 'how can i thank u?' - and i was thinking to myself - there's really not much that i can do for u, and ur burdens are so great. she has to figure out how she's going to put food on the table, and it's not that easy to get a job quickly.

we were communicating in mandarin, and i wasn't familiar with where she came from and all, so i couldn't really find out where she actually lived. i wondered if there was more i cud do, and wished that she knew the hope that there is in Christ. she was talking to me about her husband's spirit coming back to visit the house on the 3rd and 7th day after his passing, and that she felt afraid. i didn't know how to explain to her that dead people don't come back to hover around on earth (or do they? haha) and that there's no need to be afraid...

that little encounter i had with her made me realise how blessed i am, and that life for so many others is so much more difficult than mine. this lady had lost her husband (and sole provider), has a son to care for, and no one to help her. what do i have to complain about?

before boarding the bus, i had no idea i wud meet this lady, but in a way, i'm glad i did. i think slowly, God is also showing me more of His heart for the poor, those who have no one to fend for them, whose lot in life is full of hardships...

interview on father-daughter relationships

my dad - my hero, my DIY man, my model of what the ideal man should be. my husband has big shoes to fill.

but my dad is also a source of hurts - as i've viewed him as being distant and unavailable to me. not that i'm blaming him, because i know he may have his own battles to fight, especially having had to deal with my mum's death and 4 young children when i was 12. and he just didn't have the energy or resources to give to me. but i miss having a daddy all the same, because there is a space in me that no other man can fill, apart from my dad.

i've beginning to realise anew lately that my relationship with my dad has far-reaching effects on all the other areas of my life, especially in my relationships with men. and not just any men, but my (soon-to-be) husband. being with him, the 'little girl' in me who longs so much to know that she is beautiful and desirable and loved, comes out, to his bewilderment and confusion. the wonder of it is that he has incredible sensitivity and discernment, and a tender heart.

it is apparently a very common and widespread phenomenon, sad to say. there are so many of us who are 'fatherless' in this day and age- either because we have been abandoned by our fathers physically, or more commonly, we've had fathers who were emotionally unavailable to us. being daughters, we needed daddy to tell us that he approves of us, he thinks the world of us and he loves us for who we are.

i also have begun to see that i'm not one who is particularly reflective, and so i don't find myself reflecting or evaluating/ thinking much about things that has already happened or experiences i've had. i'm not sure why, maybe i'm afraid of what i'd find. so i just don't think about them. maybe. i don't have much memories of my childhood, and youth. maybe it's related too. i dunno...

anyway, sherman found this interview on the net about fathers and daughters, some of the things there really struck me, and i cud identify with some of it immediately. and i can see now how having a father whom i perceived as being absent has affected the way i related to men in my life. and one of the interviewers said that daughters need to 'confront' their fathers- which is a scary thought!! oh Lord, help me...

i'm grateful, however, to be where i am in life, and i know it cud hv been worse if not for God's grace and love in my life. and now, i have someone to journey together with me, as i seek to regain wholeness within myself and to be the woman that God has created me to be...

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this is an excerpt of the interview:

The Issues

Essence: How, does daddy hunger affect women?

Dr. Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant: You might as well call daddy hunger "skin hunger." That absence causes a real need to have someone to be close to. There was a woman I interviewed for my book who said, "I needed a hug,
Dr. Grant, and I got pregnant." Half these little girls going around having sex really just needed a hug.

Dr. Brenda Wade: The majority of the women I've worked with who were abandoned by their fathers suffered from depression, anger, isolation or severe relationship disturbances. Yet they were capable in many cases of phenomenal success in terms of education and career. It's quite striking.

Geoffrey Canada: At Rheedlen we see the phenomenon of missing fathers so starkly in our work with young women. Many young girls have never had a relationship with a man. I worry that the first time some man says "I love you" to them or even acts affectionately, they're going to do whatever that person wants because they've never had that kind of affection.

Essence: Have you observed other patterns in women with absent fathers?

Wade: Half the women I referred to earlier have never had a viable relationship -- and wouldn't let a man get close to them if you paid them a million dollars. They wear mean expressions on their faces to the point where you want to ask "What's wrong?" They've learned that's a defense to keep men away.

Canada: Many of these women and girls have never experienced someone reaffirming who they are as people. When my daughter was a sophomore in high school, she was absolutely distraught because she couldn't get dates with boys. We were having this long conversation, and I realized she didn't know whether she was attractive to men. I remember spending time convincing her, saying "No, honey, you are beautiful." Girls don't get that when there isn't a father present.

Wade: Lets not forget that a form of abandonment often takes place even when a father is present. He might be physically present but emotionally absent -- either because he works two or three jobs, or has an addictive illness or is emotionally shut down.

Essence: What specifically does a present, involved father give a girl that she can't get anywhere else?

Grant: She gets to mirror herself off someone who loves her and who is of the opposite sex, so then she won't need it from every man out there. Without that mirror, you may get yourself involved in sexual matters too soon. When that happens, you lose your ability to be a person who can make conscious choices. You're allowing men to make those choices for you based on their assessment of you, not your assessment of yourself.

Healing Ourselves

Essence: What can women do to be healed?

Wade: Any woman who has been abandoned physically or emotionally has a hole in her spirit that needs to be filled. You are either going to fill it with something unhealthy, or you're going to fill it with self-love and the love of people you can count on -- your friends, your family or your mate. Women also need to get information [about their absent fathers]. It's very freeing for people to find out as much as they can about this mystery man. Where did he come from? What happened to him? Who was in his family? What were his pains? Why did he leave?

Canada: If your village right now is just your house, with you and your mother and maybe a couple of people you know, try to expand that to other folks who might be supportive. That could be in churches, social clubs. This puts our lives into a context. So many young people are growing up with no idea of how they connect within their families or within the larger world. Once they have a better understanding, the world makes a lot more sense to them.

Essence: What else can we do to heal ourselves and fill the hole that is left?

Wade: If the father can be found, it's important to confront him either in person or in a letter. If he's passed away or he can't be found, then it needs to be done in what is called, in gestalt therapy, the hot seat. This is an exercise where you imagine him sitting in a chair opposite you and tell him what it was like growing up without a daddy. Confronting him in person or through a letter or [exercise] is something you would do with the help of a professional therapist or at least some kind of support group, because, while it's very liberating, the emotional repercussions of a confrontation, whether real or imaginary, can be profound. It's important to get the help you need to get the feelings out. They can't heal if they're kept inside. Once they're out, then the old thinking pattern can be broken. Instead of thinking, I'm helpless, I'm a victim, I'm always going to be abandoned, you start to feel, I have some energy available now. I'm not a victim; I just got the feelings out; I can now change my mind about who I am and where I fit in life, and I can choose a different path.

Canada: The other thing you can do is be really overt with your story and your need for comfort.

Wade: The only way through this loss is to express it, release it and grieve it. I ask people to do mourning rituals, where you might just sit and say, "I'm going to mourn the loss of my father. I'm going to sit here, and I'm going to rock, I might cry, I might not cry, but I'm mourning the fact that I didn't have a daddy." Forgiveness is the end product of that long process. Most people say, "Oh, I've forgiven him," but they've really kept all the feelings inside; the anger's still sitting there. The forgiveness isn't complete without the release and without the grieving.

Essence: How is one's spiritual life important to this process?

Wade: It's not possible to stop feeling like an orphan or an abandoned person without developing a strong spiritual core. Without that spiritual connection, there is always a sense of incompleteness.

Mending Our Relationships

Essence: Can women who grew up in this situation have healthy relationships with men?

Wade: Many sisters look at a man as either somebody who'll never ever live up to their fantasies or, conversely, somebody who sooner or later is going to abandon them just like Daddy. It's easy to paint all men into that corner. But in The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, M.D., says, "A woman who believes that men can't be trusted will never meet a man she can trust." To combat those stereotypes, I suggest learning more about men. Read about them, talk to them. There are a couple of books I like: I Don't Want to Talk About It (Fireside) by Terrence Real, which is about male depression, and A Man's World: How Real Is Male Privilege and How High Is Its Price? (HarperCollins) by Ellis Cose.

Canada: There are many guys who did not grow up in households with a stable relationship between the adults, so they haven't been able to figure out how adults relate to one another over time. As young women begin to share some of their own concerns and pain, they also have to be aware that they may be tapping into something in the men with whom they get involved.

Wade: If a woman knows she's talking to a man who may also have been abandoned, she should not be so quick to be sexually involved. If you discover he's also abandoned -- and we tend to look for somebody with our same issues so that we can heal them -- then it's possible to say, "We both have this loss in our backgrounds. I need to deal with it, and it seems to me that it would be a big mistake for me to get heavily involved with you, if neither of us has dealt with this. Now, would you like to work on this with me?"

Essence: What else does such a woman have to look out for?

Wade: All too often a person who has been abandoned turns around and abandons herself She's not able to pay attention to her own needs. She doesn't know how to get nurturing. She doesn't even know when she needs it or that it's important to be touched in a nonsexual way.

Building Fatherhood

Essence: What should our goals as a community be about this issue?

Canada: In our communities, we haven't taught men what their role is when they're not the traditional breadwinners. If you aren't that, what do you do? We don't know. Men generally aren't told that it's critical and important that they learn how to love their children. We don't teach boys to do that or reinforce that kind of behavior. Instead we reward boys for macho strutting around. Then we wonder why these guys don't have the sense of "That's my child, I love this person" when they have children. They haven't had it developed.

Essence: Give us one final piece of advice.

Grant: You must think of yourself as the most precious person in the world. Remember: Your body is a temple -- not condemned housing with a new tenant every month. Your house, your temple, is not abandoned. You live there. Love isn't something somebody brings you. Love is within you, and no one can ever take that away from you. No matter who comes, no matter who goes.

Wade: Fatherless daughters must know that it is possible to heal after abandonment. You can transform that experience. I have seen so many women blossoming into full relationships, full creative and artistic and career success. People need to have that sense of hope. Sometimes you embark on that journey and think, Am I ever gonna get there? Yeah, you will get there. It just takes a willingness to examine your life honestly. It takes persistence. It takes patience.

end of yr looming...

seems like i only blog during certain seasons - like bdays, festivities and when classes/exams end or sth like that. haha. so now i'm blogging coz the end of the year is coming. actually, it's because i'm lazy and dun feel like working :p

was up in Genting View Resort on Sat and Sun. had quite a good time with the 'avanza gang', we had a BBQ on Sat nite - tonnes of food!!! we din even attempt to go up to the theme park/amusement centers coz we knew the lines wud be extra long due to it being the weekend and also school holidays. most of the time we were just hanging out, and having some time to relax/rest.

it was significant in one other way - coz sherm had a talk with me bout how i'm relating to him - and it was quite an eye-opener for me. i didn't expect to be 'confronted' but i know he has my best interest at heart, and the way he chose to do it made me feel that it was safe to acknowledge what i was doing. he is definitely very sensitive and discerning, it's almost too scary! hehe...

i'm starting to realize more and more that being in this relationship is bringing out things in me which is usually hidden from others, and even repressed sometimes. and altho it's not easy, i know i need to find a place of security in who i am, and the long journey has only just begun. i'm really thankful tho, that God loves me enuf to bring someone like sherm to walk alongside me to discover who He has made me to be.

the year is going to roll to a close in less than a month, and i'll be left to ponder - what has God done in my life thus far? food for thought...